The 5 Things You Need To Know For March 13, 2019

Go figure that the number 13 would bring us one of the luckiest days to be a fan of the soap opera that is sports. All. Of. The. Sports. Victor Newman and Sonny Corinthos got nothin’ on the real thing, y’all.

  1. How It All Started: So today’s 5 will be dominated by the different perspectives taken once the layers of the onion were fully peeled back regarding Lynette Scavo and Becky Katsopolis going all Tony Soprano. This report seemed fairly *harmless* (sounds funny, right?) at the time, since salacious things get seemingly broken to the public on a daily basis nowadays. Although you’ve probably read it already, trust us…there’s a process….because we are about to descend into the rabbit hole, folks…
  2. Boy, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY: Ron Burgandy nailed it with that one, y’all. So all of sudden we’ve gone from a report implicating Hollywood elites trying to pull strings (shocker) to a dude in our own backyard that was not just pulling strings, but tightening them, tuning them, and then making sweet music like a muse with her harp made of the finest materials and ensconced in gold. Pay attention though, while we’d like to make this about the *obvious* low hanging fruit that is football, this has white-collar country club written all over it once you connect the dots, which is why HIS sport he played is so relevant. The folks at IMG have already begun the whitewashing from their website, but the Trojan horse has already deposited its inhabitants inside the walls. Just hold on tight, and spend, spend, spend—on a good lawyer. Much credit to some of the best in the business at the Herald-Tribune for this little diddie…
  3. FULL JAILHOUSE: Now just wait a dadgum minute here…(warning: this contains references to many things mostly just the 35+ crowd will understand) Lynette Scavo and the BELOVED Aunt Becky are tied up in this?!? Say it ain’t soooooooo. So, here’s the deal–starting with you, Mrs. Scavo, and yes, we are aware her name is Felicity Huffman—if you didn’t watch Desperate Housewives at some point in time, we can’t help you) this what happens when you marry Jerry Lundegaard, who was taken down by a vicious detective named Marge Gunderson. Or better yet, this is what happens when Frank Gallagher is involved in the construction of your scheme. Fargo and Shameless BOTH should have taught you that. For those missing everything, she’s married to William H. Macy. Next, AUNT BECKY HOW COULD YOU?!? This continues to shed a not-so-bright light on the whereabouts of the cast from Full House one they left the show. Like, Bob Saget’s actual stand-up show falling PRECISELY in-line with his character from “Half Baked” or Stephanie Tanner’s questionable choice of genre when she decided to make films, or the Olsen Twins, that’s it, just the Olsen Twins. Read this take from FORBES on what the implications are in this all jokes aside.
  4. Why Are You The Way That You Are?: Michael Scott wants to know why you can’t even manage to stick to one principle and one principle alone when doing dirty deeds. If you don’t know said principle, go to iTunes, download Wu-Tang’s hit C.R.E.A.M. and then re-read this. You want to know why college football and moonshiners are so good at making money? Because they know the rules. Here’s an awesome taking-to-task from SB Nation’s Richard Johnson on why you can’t fix stupid, no matter how much money you got. For those keeping score at this point, in a matter of hours, we went from just another scandal, to one of the best soap operas this segment of the world has ever seen.
  5. Make Yourselves Comfortable: Now that we’ve run the full monty on how this thing evolved, let’s get to know the folks who thought this was actually going to work, and would’ve have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids like Fred and the gang revealing it was the crooked sheriff all along. This courtesy of the Chicago Tribune. Enjoy!